Letting go of Vanessa at the airport has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Being abused at school was just mental abuse for me, I never really felt physical pain. Losing a lot of weight, was just a mental battle I had with myself- nothing too hard. Releasing Vanessa from one of the last hugs I will ever have with her was mental and physical to the point that it was hard to breathe and think. My mind was a total blur of different emotions and thoughts, all clashing amongst each other and not giving my brain enough time to register each one and make sense of it all. What if I never see her again? What if this is my last hug with her forever? Will I be ok on my own now? Who will I have to open up to now? Will she be ok without me? Will she forget what we have together? Will she forget about me? What if someone else tries to take her away from me? What if her parents say no to us being together? What if long distance becomes too much for her to bear? With my mind racing a mile a minute, I could only trust in my heart that everything would be ok. That I would see her again in two weeks for her graduation, and that this was going to be the biggest step that we’d have to take. But even my heart was aching, a tightness in my chest like nothing I had ever felt before, it was similar to when I told Vanessa I liked her but much worse. Labored breaths were the only things keeping me standing upright and from collapsing to the floor, my vision unsteady and blurry, my hands shaking and ears hanging onto every word she spoke to me in those dying seconds, I knew I would have to let go of her. I kept clasping onto her, trying to absorb every moment as much as possible so that I would never forget what her embrace felt like. I didn’t notice the PA system blaring with announcements, the guards ushering the rushing hordes of people running to catch their flight, the busy bodying of people ordering food to tide them over for their trip. All I remember looking at was her shoulder, her dark hair, her smooth skin, her smile and her eyes.
I will never forget the way her eyes looked at me, so brave and loving. But still so uncertain…
As I went down the escalator to the processing gates, I looked back and they had a scary undertone to them. It was like we knew we’d see each other again soon, but there were still so many underlying questions that hadn’t been answered. How would we survive without each other? Would we make the distance? The two weeks that we now had to endure without each other was to be a trial to see what long distance would be like.
She was too far to hear me whisper the vow I said to her then “No matter what, we’ll see each other again.”
I neared the gates and the feelings from before still hadn’t gone away. The aching chest, the thoughts whirring through my head still making me feel dizzy and lost and alone. Never before, have I felt so cut off than when I left Vanessa up at the top of the escalator. I often looked back, to see if she had left yet. I tried to call her on my phone, to try and get some last word in, to tell her that I loved her and that we would make it if we tried. That we both had to be strong and we’d come out of this whole mess, happily together. But my phone didn’t work; it wouldn’t even send a damn SMS with some last words for her to remember me by. I wanted to leave her with some romantic words after our goodbyes, something that she could hold onto – a memory, a snippet, some sort token that she would cherish and hold onto when she missed me so that we’d still be together. Because that’s how I knew id survive. As I approached the gates, I remembered all the silly things that we’d done, all the laughs wed had, the arguments, the fights, the annoyances, the make-ups, the hugs, the reassuring – all of it I knew id see again if I wanted it bad enough. If I fought for it, I know id see Vanessa again. I knew that the bond between us, even this young in our relationship, was strong enough to defeat any obstacle; including this one. I turned back to her, and made a funny hand gesture (I , think, you , stink – we always played silly games like this). She laughed. Her laugh has stayed with me ever since before we got together. When I know she is happy, or having a good time… I know I am doing something right. I have an inner feeling that tells me that I am doing something great. She signaled another hand-motion thing to me back (You, Drive, Me, Crazy) I laughed, through the bitterness that came with saying goodbye. Many minutes passed in the queue- I can’t even remember how many times I thought about jumping out of the line and running back up the escalator to go hug her one more time; feel her touch.
We’d barely gone 10 minutes apart and already I was beginning to sense a feeling of loss and loneliness.
On the plane ride, I tried to distract myself as much as possible, with all the cool movies and games they have on the screens. They still hadn’t changed the movie listing since I went over there, but there were still a few films to distract me from the shocking truth; that I was now alone in Melbourne. That I no longer could hug a person as tenderly as I had been, that I had no one to touch or to feel close to me. But I knew that id still have her supporting me, and that id still be here for her; to listen to her about problems she’s having, to help her through tough times, to talk about her day so I know what’s going on in her life. And that’s the best that I could do for now. For the next two weeks, Vanessa and I talked every day. Over the phone, via SMS, on MSN with video chat. Seeing her on the other side of the camera always pains my heart. To know that she was alone, 8000kms away from me – was (and always is) heartbreaking. I always asked her to come back, to come back to Melbourne so it could be like it was before – happy, care free; just blissfully happy and enjoying each others company. Because when doing long distance, that’s the only thing that’s missing; you have the love (although it is more fragile), you have support, you have someone you can trust and talk to (though they might be the last ones you tell a story to… or may never tell them at all). But what’s missing is their essence. The feeling of them being close to you. Its hard to explain in words, but anyone who’s been in a relationship (one or many) understand what I’m talking about. The two weeks apart without her presence, were almost unbearable. I’d often find myself in my room, feeling so down and depressed, asking myself “Why … why did she leave?”. Even though I knew id see her when she came down for graduation, it still felt like id never see her again. I tried hard to fight back the pain I was feeling, and kept telling myself “What then? What about when she leaves the second time? Will I ever see her again then? It will be the pain you’re feeling now times a million. How will you survive then?”
I honestly couldn’t answer this question to myself, in fear of losing all hope.
Like I said, Denial can get you through a lot of life barriers.
During the two weeks, every time I was feeling low or down, I would tell myself;
“You will see her again. You will be with her in the end, no matter the time apart or the cost….
You will be with Vanessa.”
And it seemed to work after a time, and the pain lessened. During the last few days of the two weeks, all I felt was anticipation and excitement. We had made the first hurdle. We’re going to make it, I told myself. I am going to see her again. She is coming back to me. We’re going to be together and happy again, just like we were before. I can hold her close and protect her, and look after her. Make her feel safe and loved. We can be together even if only for 9 days, I want to show Vanessa how much she means to me, and how well we fit together. I want her to remember some of the best times in her life, no matter the sacrifice to me.
All I wanted her to do was to be happy and smile; the same thoughts I’ve kept since we first met.
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