Goodbye, butterfly...

After getting back to Malaysia, I began to realize more and more that my time here was coming to an end. I was going to have to get back onto a plane, and leave for Melbourne- possibly forever. Every day was more painful than the previous. The thought of being so close to Vanessa every day was going to become a distant memory. The thought of not being able to wake up and see her at breakfast, talk about what we were going to do that day, plan to go out during the afternoon, and arrange to do something at night- was unbearable. Just being around Vanessa every day made me realize how lucky I really was to be with her. Every hour spent with her was filled with jokes, fun and excitement: and losing that was going to hurt the most. So I tried to make my last few days as fun as possible, both for me and her. I wanted to make my trip as memorable for me as it was for her. So that we would have a better chance at surviving the upcoming trials that long distance relationship’s inevitably face. I wanted to make sure that we had a fighting chance to make this work. Obviously, I knew she would be coming back to Melbourne in two weeks time for her graduation- but I wanted to leave her with fond memories to cherish and hold onto when we had a fight or disagreement on the phone or on MSN. During the last few days, we had a lot of fun. We went up KL tower, went glow-in-the-dark bowling with her friend Michelle (laughing when Vanessa got a gutter ball, and when Michelle dropped the ball behind her ^^), Vanessa’s dad took us out to see the nightlights of Kuala Lumpur- all of the memories I have from these times I will hold onto forever.

The last night we had together; we constantly had talks, cuddled and told each other our fears and doubts about everything. I tried my best to reassure Vanessa that I would try my best to make this work – that she shouldn’t be afraid of me giving up or moving on. I told her that even though id miss being close to someone physically, I would never cheat on her or give up on her just because we weren’t together right now. I said that I’d be willing to make any sacrifice, any commitment, any sort of change I had to make so that we could be together in the end. As long as I had her tell me that she still cared for me- that she still loved me – I would have enough strength to defeat any obstacle. My only fear was that Vanessa was going to give up. She had asked me, more than a couple of times before, “What if its too hard? What if it’s too hard to hold on?” I didn’t know how to reply to this question. In my own mind, there is nothing that is “too hard”. I refuse to give up on something unless there is some sort of barrier, or something that just tears us apart and that can’t be overcome by hard work and dedication. “I don’t believe in ‘too hard’”, I kept saying to her. “I don’t believe that it can’t be done, if we both work at it and dedicate ourselves to each other.” I don’t know if this helped to put her unease to rest, but it was the truth. It was I felt come from my heart. So I couldn’t say anything else other wise it would have been a lie. I swore to Vanessa that I would never lie to her about such things – like my feelings. But, we had an argument on our last night about something stupid and I regretted it very much. I didn’t want any lingering bad feelings to ruin our chances… but I guess its just one of those unavoidable things that I couldn’t fix. I sometimes wonder if we will have an argument that is impossible to fix. I sometimes wonder “Will we disagree on something so strongly that it will be impossible to remedy?” I fear it happening each time Vanessa gets mad or annoyed at me with something, as I fear it will destroy our long stretched relationship; that some petty argument or annoyance might cause her to fall out of love with me.

Above anything else in the world, I only fear losing her.

That’s why saying goodbye to her at the airport was even more painful. This might be the last time that I got to see her. During the car ride to the airport, I fought back the aching of my heart. I looked over to her sitting on the other side of the car, and realized that I might not ever get to see this again. I might not ever get to witness what her face looks like staring out the window, her face shining in the sun. Or the way her eyes look as they gaze out into the scenery and deep in thought, or the way her eyes stare at me, so care free and innocent. Of all the things I would miss – I would miss her touch. When she laughs at my jokes, I never feel stupid. When she holds my hand, I never feel alone. When she gives me a hug, I never feel unloved. I knew that long distance relationships fail because they don’t have these elements. But I knew I’d have to learn to live without it for a while- and tell myself that I would have it all again at the end, after these trials were over, that after all the disagreements, the fights, the hardships; it will be all ok in the end.

I still tell myself to this day – she is worth everything to me and that nothing can stand in between us.