How many days till she leaves again? Nine….

When you’re separated from something you love, it’s only natural that you will think about it constantly. It becomes an obsession. You think about it all the time. When you’re awake. When you’re asleep. When you’re in the shower, when you’re eating; breakfast, lunch and dinner. It consumes you. The thought of having something that meant so much to you – that meant almost everything to you – suddenly is gone and isn’t part of your life anymore. You think about what it used to be like. What it used to look like up close and far away. You think about what their skin used to feel like to touch; how smooth or rough it was. What it smells like, what it tastes like… It consumes you. Every day, I woke up wanting to see Vanessa laying next to me. Some mornings, I woke up desperately reaching out to find her/grab her (it was like I way trying to stop her from falling). Talking to her on the phone just wasn’t the same as talking to her in real life. All I could look forward to during those two weeks was seeing Vanessa again. I went to Uni and sat in a lecture – I thought of Vanessa. I went to the library to borrow a book – I thought of Vanessa. All I could think about was seeing her again – hearing her laugh in person. And then it came.

The day that my baby came back.

It all happened in slow motion for me. I borrowed my friends car to pick Vanessa up from the airport (its a lot cleaner and nicer) and arrived at the airport at the time Vanessa told me to be there. I was so anxious and nervous. I was so happy and scared at the same time – it reminded me a lot of when I first confessed to Vanessa that I liked her. I was pacing up and down the International Arrival gates, trying to see if she had come out early and if she was waiting for me. I was scared because I thought she might have changed. That the time apart from each other might have caused a rift between us – something irreparable that could jeopardize our chances for a successful long distance relationship in the future. I was worried too, if she had forgotten what I looked like or thought that I had changed. I was afraid that she would feel that I wasn’t worth the wait, and that waiting two weeks to be with me again was a big waste of time. I was scared for change; that we had grown apart by living our lives separately and changed in a way that stopped us from loving each other. I was panicking, as the minutes counted down all I could imagine was a look of disappointment on her face, or even worse: no sign of feelings at all. And then she called out to me, and I saw her. She was pushing her luggage trolley out of the crowd, and all my fears went out the window. She smiled her smile, and I felt right again. All I could think of doing was running over to her and giving her the biggest most comforting hug I could ever give. To show how much I missed her and loved her still. So I did. I was so relieved to have her back, to have my fears and doubts washed away felt so refreshing – it made me appreciated our relationship even more. We had made it. We had found each others arms again. Being in her arms, and her being in mine – it couldn’t have felt more comforting. Later on though, she told me that the hug felt weird. That it felt strange to hug someone after being apart for so long. As she told me these words, my heart sank. The rift had begun to form? I wondered. Will our next time apart be so long that we forget what our love is like? Will we forget what each others loves and likes are? The way they like to be touched? To be hugged? To be talked to? Their most ticklish places and their most bad habits?

Will our love be forgotten?

But these thoughts were fleeting, as I reminded myself that our time together was limited and shouldn’t be spent daunting on bad thoughts. I should be making these next nine days some of the best days of our lives. I wanted it to be romantic, sweet, warm, kind and loving. I wanted it to be special. I wanted to show Vanessa (before she left to go back to Malaysia) how amazing it was to be with her. How special she made me felt and how much fun we can have together. I wanted to make memories that she would never forget, so that our love could live on in those memories when we’re apart from each other. I had arranged to use a room together at a friends house that I liked to call “The Hell-Freezer”. It was cold; Very cold. His flat building is an old 1980’s commission housing block with concrete walls and poor insulation. Needless to say, Vanessa didn’t like it. No one coming from such a warm and humid climate like Malaysia would. But it was the only way that we could be together. And to the both of us, that’s what really mattered. We could spend our nights talking and laughing and enjoying each others company. We could wake up in the morning and have breakfast together. We could go out together where ever we wanted. It was going to be like old times before she went back to Malaysia. But I had arranged something else as well. I had arranged for the two of us to go to Sydney and do all the things that Vanessa always wanted to do – and to do things that she wanted to do again. I wanted her to feel happy in Australia, to see that not all of it was so bad. That it might be possible for her to come back and live here some day. But mostly, I just wanted her to have one of the best times of her life. I wanted her to have memories with me that she would never forget. That she would hold close to her during our time apart and keep her holding onto our relationship. To keep looking to the future and say what I had been saying every day for the past two weeks…

”We can be that happy, once more, if we make it…”

We spent the rest of that night in my friends’ house, just lying next to each other, getting back to being a couple again. Vanessa told me that the uneasy feeling she had soon went away, and that it felt like being in a couple again. I was truly happy to have her back next to me. When I’m standing next to her, holding her hand, hugging her close, lying next to her: when we kiss and touch – it all feels so right. It all feels like my purpose in life was to meet Vanessa and enjoy my life with her. It would all be worth it. The past 14 days were worth the wait. Just seeing her in person at the airport was worth it. That night was just talking about our feelings and confessing our love for each other all over again: recapping how much we missed each other and telling each other how happy we both were again. I kept forcing out the ugly truth from my thoughts: she’s being taken away from me again in 9 days. I shook it away each time, pushing it further down and out of my mind. All that mattered was that I had my love back in my arms. I could be here for her, protect her, take care of her, love her and be kind to her. My love for her was as strong as ever.
Which made our trip to Sydney even more amazing…