Sunday, July 15, 2007
.. has come to an end.
Vanessa and I decided to end our relationship.
I wish her the best in Health, Life and Love.
I'll always remember you.
Goodbye.
(starting new blog)
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Monday, February 26, 2007
First post back in Melbourne….
Well, as everyone pretty much knows by now I am back in Melbourne and starting up my life again. I’ve cleaned my room, got my old job back, trying to get a new gym membership to keep my fitness up, handling my Uni time table and subjects, catch up with family and friends. And I’m doing it pretty well, I’m trying to be more organized and stop doing things last minute (my biggest flaws) and aiming to do better at school this year. Catching up with all my friends has been good too. If I missed anything from Melbourne it would have been them and my family. I just missed kicking back and joking around, laughing and making jokes at each other to the point of someone ‘getting owned’ and running out of come backs. A lot has changed since ive been gone, and I’m still trying to adapt to all of it. My friends are now all single, they have jobs and lives of their own and we’re it finding harder to spend time hanging out. But, its no big deal as long as we meet up occasionally and do stuff together once and a while. If I didn’t have my friends to hang out and spend time with I think I would be having a very difficult time with this long distance relationship.
Which is why I really worry for Vanessa in Malaysia because her circle of friends isn’t very extensive and she hasn’t many long term friends to turn to and supplement me with. If she could spend more time going out with friends (as much time as she and I spent together in Malaysia) then she would find it a lot easier. But of course, you cant fully supplement a partner with a friend. I personally still feel really empty. Ever since I got back I’ve noticed a void that I still haven’t been able to fill. Days aren’t as bright, food doesn’t taste the same (…but Melbourne food does suck compared to msia), the prospect of going to the gym on my own doesn’t seem so appealing any more. I hate to say this, but I don’t want to be here any more… all I want to do is spend time with Vanessa. I realize how stupid that sounds – I cant just drop out of uni and go to Msia and live off her forever. But I really wish she was still here so that I would have something to drive me to do better.
I find it weird how I always need something to push me. We all something that drives us, usually its for our own desires. I never really had that; I always just did what other people wanted me to do. Its not a very good trait to have, since you should always look inside yourself for inspiration and guidance. In the end, if you are not doing something you want, then you will end up being unhappy in life. What other people think is best for you, may not actually be what’s best for you. Take their advice – sure. But don’t ignore your own sensibilities either. If you learn to push yourself and achieve things for yourself, you will always be a stronger person in the end. But I still have Vanessa, even though she is 6000kms away, I still try my best to make her happy. My trip to Malaysia, again, was amazing. I’d already tried the food, the scenery, the sights – so none of that stuff was new (though I have to say my trip to Singapore this time was a lot better and I have to give a big, special thanks to Ron and Lawrence putting up with a gui lo for all that time and showing me around some great places – I WONT FORGET IT GUYS!!). But the thing that I found the best about the trip was the routine that I found myself fitting into. I would wake up, see if Vanessa was awake, wait till it was time for her to get up, get ready for gym, go to gym with Vanessa, have lunch together, catch a movie/play arcade together…. It was just so much fun for me. I liked being part of her life again.
Even just being around her again made it all worth it.
It’s probably why I am so empty here, in Melbourne. I’ve gone from spending almost every waking moment with her, to seeing her for a couple of hours online or talking to her on the phone. A man I sat next to on the plane said that with web cams these days, its almost feels like the person you’re talking to online is only a few kilometers away. At the time I agreed with him, but now I know that its not so true. If you’re talking to a person who is a few kilometers away, you have some idea when you’re going to see that person next. With a person 6000kms away, it just feels …. Different. Slightly more cut off, like you can’t feel their ‘presence’ nearby. Not that I don’t feel Vanessa’s presence. There isn’t a day that goes by that something doesn’t remind me of Vanessa; someone says something that Vanessa would always say, acts like Vanessa acts, does what Vanessa does, even DRIVES what Vanessa does (every Honda Jazz and Peugot 206cc reminds me of her, I even saw both go past me recently, one followed by the other -_-). But webcams definitely makes everything a lot more bearable. If this was 20 years ago, where calling cards were non existent and webcams and chatting was still being invented…. It would be extremely hard. But with the help of technology and hard work… I know I will always push myself and will sacrifice everything before I give her up….
Baby… that’s a promise.
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Sunday, February 18, 2007
Thankyou for calling Domino's Pizza, Bentleigh. How can I help you?
In October last year, i started my first part time job at Domino's Pizza in Bentleigh. In the past i have always been too lazy to get a part time job, and half of the time when i applied to other positions at other places, i would always get declined for some reason or another. The interview wasn't even an interview; she told me i had the job as soon as i walked through the door. She asked me a bunch of questions though, and told me a few things about how the store is run, what duties ill be doing, and gave me a uniform to start training a few days after. I have to say, I really didn't expect that i would like it as much as i do now. Don't get me wrong, the job really sucks. If i'm not doing deliveries (i'm a delivery driver), im either; washing dishes or answering phone calls from starving and easily agitated people who want food as soon as possible, and will kill anyone or anything in their way to get fed. But its not the job that i enjoy, its the people. The staff at domino's pizza is basically made up of; A) A lesbian manager who has really weird and strange stories about her past and B) A team of 18~27 year old guys who all; play games, watch funny shows, and make jokes about everything and everyone.
Try imaging seven 18 year old+ guys, standing around in a circle, with nothing to do because its a dead quiet night and there are no orders or deliveries to take. Even Einstein couldn't have calculated a better formula for trouble. We basically just joke around any time we're near each other and have nothing urgent to do. For example one of the in-store girls (people who dont do deliveries) went to the bathroom to change because her shift was over. She went into the staff bathroom at the back, and got changed. One of the drivers decided to pull a prank, and stacked huge boxes of coke one on top of the other, and "bricked" the door shut. She opened the door, and found her self trapped, looking through a small gap at 7 guys pointing and laughing. Classic stuff like this happens all the time at my job, and if these guys weren't as funny as they are, or as laid back - i probably would despise working there. Sure, i wasn't accepted by them from the start, but they've slowly gotten used to a new guy working there and i wasn't hazed too much. Heh.
Some of the things i have seen behind the scenes of pizza making have made me turn completely off pizza. You know aussie pizzas, dont have 'real' egg? Its powdered egg thats been mixed with water and is sprayed onto your pizza. I've mixed the formula before - it smells rancid and disgusting and looks worse. I can never order an aussie pizza ever again!! (and it used to be my favorite! :( ). The way they make and cut pizzas is very interesting though. The store record for making a "supreme" pizza is 23seconds. And cutting and boxing a pizza is 12secs. Mine is around 20? lol. Im still learning how to cut quickly, and i haven't even started to learn how to make pizza's yet. I am really looking forward to going to Malaysia to see my baby (!!!!!) but im also sad to leave my job. These are the kinds of people I like to hang around - laid back, funny and joke about anything. The job is interesting , and i've got quite a few stories to tell: both new experiences and things that ive seen, but have experienced already. In short: my job is very educational. Before i left, everyone said they were going to leave by the time i came back. But suprisingly, most of the guys that are my friends are still there - and one of the people who left originally came back. I've even spoken to the new manager about getting my job back and he said he'd call me sometime this week. Let the Life-Lessons Continue!
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Saturday, December 02, 2006
A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step…
The day after she left, I woke up feeling empty. It was a feeling I had never had before, to have loved and lost. It’s one of the worst feelings a person can have. I woke up not having any drive, no passion, nothing to look forward to… I’d lost something that had I had treasured dearly and I knew that there was nothing I could do to make her come back. I had to live with the fact that I had not pressured Vanessa to stay enough, and make her change her mind on going back to Malaysia for good. That she was never coming back and that I might never see her again in person. I might never again; look into her eyes, see her smile, hold her hand, give her a hug, hear her laugh… all of it was now hanging in the balance. Our relationship was teetering on a fine thread of telecommunication wire – our only way to talk to each other for the next few months. The first few days were tough.. I woke up every morning with nothing.. that I had lost everything that I cared about and now everything else paled in comparison….
”You never truly realize what you have, until it’s gone.”
I had lost something that I would do anything for, that I would make any sacrifice for… something that I would never want to lose. And now I was back to being cold, alone and with no one to talk to or who wanted to hear about my problems. I would have no one to share my nights with or my days with. Sure I had my friends to go out with sometimes, but even they have lives of their own and can’t be there in ways for me that Vanessa could. I couldn’t make the same jokes as I did with her, I couldn’t surprise her with breakfast or dinner… I couldn’t listen to her talk about her day to know that she had someone that cared. I felt so cut off from her. My deepest fears and thoughts constantly played out scenarios in my mind. Ripples of terror and dread fell over me for hours on end. Is she ok? Does she feel as bad and alone as I do? Can we make the distance? Does she still love me? What if she begins to doubt our love for each other? What if she meets another guy who can physically be there? Will she forget what it’s like to be with me? Will she stop loving me? Constantly I barraged myself with these thoughts and emotions, mostly to prepare my self for the worst case scenario. When I traveled to Uni, I was reminded by all the things Vanessa and I did together (before and after we got together). The places we met up, the places we said goodbye (the place where I hugged her for the 2nd last time, near Nike on Bourke Street), the places we wanted to go to, the places we went as a couple – it all pained me deeply to know that I would never be able to relive those memories again. That Vanessa and I could never walk around on the streets of Melbourne and do things together. I was now alone with no ones hand to hold, and knew that when I went home I would have no one to ask me how my day was, or what I did or to snuggle up and watch TV with. I had lost her, and I would have to learn to live on my own again.
It was rough. I had already forgotten what it was like to be alone. To feel what its like to be single. I really didn’t like being alone again. But I reminded myself that I wasn’t back to being alone. I still had Vanessa. She was still my girlfriend. We were still together, even though we weren’t actually together. I still had Vanessa. I would see her in the end. I promised myself I would give it everything. I would promise her anything and everything to not give up. For the first weeks, we had the telephone. I would try and call her around the same time every day, and talk to her for a couple hours at least. At the beginning Vanessa had no internet (she had dial up that was expensive to use and was too slow for voice chat/ video chat). So it was tough not being able to even see her. Every time we talked, I would try and imagine what her face looked like. Especially when I made her laugh on the phone, I would imagine the first time I ever saw her laugh. Hearing her laugh would always make me smile. I just wanted her to be happy, even though she missed me and I missed her, I wanted her to think back to the times we shared, the happiness we had, the promises and trust we kept with each other. I didn’t want her to give up, or to move on or to find someone else. Call me selfish, but I wanted to keep Vanessa to myself. I didn’t want her to leave me for someone else that she’d met, or to want to seek out other guys. I wanted her to think about how much we loved each other and how much we wanted to be together. After she got broadband installed, it became easier. I could see her on the camera, and I didn’t have to ‘visualize’ her. I could actually see and talk to her real time. I would try my best to make her laugh, stop her from crying, and listen to her day and give my advice on decisions she was making. We still had everything we always loved about each other… except for the company. We didn’t have any physical contact with each other. Its one of the fundamental parts of a relationship… and we could no longer have those moments of contact. We were both feeling very cut off and alone. In the coming weeks and months, we would soon find ourselves battling to hold on – holding onto a dream that we shared together, something that we both deemed worthy to fight for: our deepest love for each other would soon go through many hardships.
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