Saturday, December 02, 2006
A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step…
The day after she left, I woke up feeling empty. It was a feeling I had never had before, to have loved and lost. It’s one of the worst feelings a person can have. I woke up not having any drive, no passion, nothing to look forward to… I’d lost something that had I had treasured dearly and I knew that there was nothing I could do to make her come back. I had to live with the fact that I had not pressured Vanessa to stay enough, and make her change her mind on going back to
”You never truly realize what you have, until it’s gone.”
I had lost something that I would do anything for, that I would make any sacrifice for… something that I would never want to lose. And now I was back to being cold, alone and with no one to talk to or who wanted to hear about my problems. I would have no one to share my nights with or my days with. Sure I had my friends to go out with sometimes, but even they have lives of their own and can’t be there in ways for me that Vanessa could. I couldn’t make the same jokes as I did with her, I couldn’t surprise her with breakfast or dinner… I couldn’t listen to her talk about her day to know that she had someone that cared. I felt so cut off from her. My deepest fears and thoughts constantly played out scenarios in my mind. Ripples of terror and dread fell over me for hours on end. Is she ok? Does she feel as bad and alone as I do? Can we make the distance? Does she still love me? What if she begins to doubt our love for each other? What if she meets another guy who can physically be there? Will she forget what it’s like to be with me? Will she stop loving me? Constantly I barraged myself with these thoughts and emotions, mostly to prepare my self for the worst case scenario. When I traveled to Uni, I was reminded by all the things Vanessa and I did together (before and after we got together). The places we met up, the places we said goodbye (the place where I hugged her for the 2nd last time, near Nike on Bourke Street), the places we wanted to go to, the places we went as a couple – it all pained me deeply to know that I would never be able to relive those memories again. That Vanessa and I could never walk around on the streets of
It was rough. I had already forgotten what it was like to be alone. To feel what its like to be single. I really didn’t like being alone again. But I reminded myself that I wasn’t back to being alone. I still had Vanessa. She was still my girlfriend. We were still together, even though we weren’t actually together. I still had Vanessa. I would see her in the end. I promised myself I would give it everything. I would promise her anything and everything to not give up. For the first weeks, we had the telephone. I would try and call her around the same time every day, and talk to her for a couple hours at least. At the beginning Vanessa had no internet (she had dial up that was expensive to use and was too slow for voice chat/ video chat). So it was tough not being able to even see her. Every time we talked, I would try and imagine what her face looked like. Especially when I made her laugh on the phone, I would imagine the first time I ever saw her laugh. Hearing her laugh would always make me smile. I just wanted her to be happy, even though she missed me and I missed her, I wanted her to think back to the times we shared, the happiness we had, the promises and trust we kept with each other. I didn’t want her to give up, or to move on or to find someone else. Call me selfish, but I wanted to keep Vanessa to myself. I didn’t want her to leave me for someone else that she’d met, or to want to seek out other guys. I wanted her to think about how much we loved each other and how much we wanted to be together. After she got broadband installed, it became easier. I could see her on the camera, and I didn’t have to ‘visualize’ her. I could actually see and talk to her real time. I would try my best to make her laugh, stop her from crying, and listen to her day and give my advice on decisions she was making. We still had everything we always loved about each other… except for the company. We didn’t have any physical contact with each other. Its one of the fundamental parts of a relationship… and we could no longer have those moments of contact. We were both feeling very cut off and alone. In the coming weeks and months, we would soon find ourselves battling to hold on – holding onto a dream that we shared together, something that we both deemed worthy to fight for: our deepest love for each other would soon go through many hardships.
0 Comments: