Sunday, October 15, 2006
Unanswered questions...
Vanessa and I got very close during the passing days, we talked a lot more about personal feelings and what we liked and disliked. I would listen to her rants about things that pissed her off or were bothering her, and I would tell her about the crappy things that were going on in my life. We talked about a bit of our history, though much was left untold still. At this point I still didn’t know the extent of Vanessa’s troubled school life, and she didn’t know the extent of my terrible home life or my past school experiences. We both had our skeletons in the closet, but we hadn’t progressed to talk about these things; yet. These conversations all took place at Vanessa’s apartment in the city.
At the beginning, I was hesitant to go into her house. I thought it like some sort of shrine, and that casually entering it all the time might take me into the ‘friend zone’. Dunno what that is? Alright let me explain. From the start, I always-kinda wanted to be more than Vanessa’s friend. So when it came to meeting up for lunch or seeing a movie; and saying good byes afterwards – I tried to make it as clear as possible that I had some ulterior motives to meeting up. Obviously, these weren’t so clear- because Vanessa was totally oblivious to me liking her. Granted, at the start I tried to keep my distance. Why? I have no idea. Probably because I was too scared to make any moves on such a pretty girl. I’d never done anything like this before! -_-!!
I was flying blind in a stormy sky.
When we went to her apartment, I tried to stay distant from her. If she sat on the couch, id sit on the adjacent chair away from her. Even when we watched movies, or I cooked for her one time as friends. You’re probably thinking “Man, you’re an idiot.” But listen, I was trying to create some distance so that we didn’t become “friends”. If I casually sit next to her close all the time, wouldn’t that mean that I was totally fine with just being friends? The same thing when sitting or standing on the tram. No physical contact to make sure that we wouldn’t make it so casual a thing to brush hands or something like that. Ugh! To all the times I could have made a move in a movie cinema (that would have been some baaaaaaaad dejavu for her, that’s for sure), or at a restaurant. When we said our goodbyes each time, I stopped hugging after the 2nd time we said goodbye, and I changed it into a wave. I didn’t want hugging to become a casual thing between friends. I wanted to make it mean something. Did I explain what friend zone is yet? I don’t think its clear. And its quite hard to especially define. Lets just say that it’s a place where any guy who is chasing after a girl, doesn’t want to end up.
As I said before, our talks became more serious and I started to really understand Vanessa as a person who was willing to talk about problems that other people were having and rant on for hours just chit chatting about funny or deep thoughts. I loved those times, where we were just sitting in her room or in her living room just chatting about stuff. I’d ask her about her life and her family and school and about her housemate Ling, about how she came to
There was one night that I remember quite clearly, a time about a week before I asked Vanessa to be my girlfriend. We had just finished eating dinner and watching TV/stuff on computer when we were in her room just chatting about stuff. It was warm, I remember. And I was nervous just sitting on Vanessa’s bed. I remembered how the room smelt, and what Vanessa looked like in her PJ’s, sitting on her chair and staring at me, with my head down and hair covering my face. We had been talking about personal feelings, and she asked me “So who is the girl you like… at school?” She had asked me if I liked anyone at the moment on MSN, so I had no other choices but A) Tell her that I liked her ON MSN MESSENGER. Or B) Lie and Deny. So I told her “I like this girl who is in one of my classes.” When I said this, I thought back to when Vanessa told me she had done an Economics subject a long time ago, and I told myself “Its sort of true.. I’m doing economics now..:” It was all I could say to stop the truth coming out. Later after we got together, Vanessa told me that by saying this I ruled out me liking her completely.
Anyway, back to her room- I explained everything about the girl that I liked, and vaguely told her about the reasons why I liked her. When I told her these things, the only thing in my mind was her. The fact that I was lying to her hurt, but it was better than the truth. I couldn’t have let the truth slip out in such a dull, boring environment like MSN or on WOW (I was so close to telling her on wow, and when I didn’t – I told myself that I was the biggest fag for even thinking it was a good idea to begin with). So I kept describing Vanessa to herself, and got away with it. It was all true, every word. Except for who the girl actually was. I had basically told Vanessa that I liked her for who she was, and what qualities that I liked about her. It was a secret confession, that only I understood. It was a lie that I hated keeping up, because I knew it would ruin my character of an honest person (she still taunts me about it today!! >_
And we hugged.
It felt so warm and comfortable that I hugged on for a long time. The other few times we’d hugged in the past it had been brief and fleeting. This time it was different. I felt so loved and touched in her arms that I didn’t want to let go. It was like I’d never feel alone again if I had her in my arms. But I knew that I could feel more alone ever before if I didn’t do something quickly. The fact that she was going to leave in just over two months time, meant that I would lose her forever. Time was of the essence. And I needed to act quickly.
We then decided that our next meeting would be before we’d go see Scary Movie 4 together. And after that, shed go and see another movie with Ron (THAT GIRL STEALING BAS- No offence dude, but I was so jealous of you back then ^^). Id arranged to meet her at her place and cook a delicious dinner for her before we went out. I came over early, set some steak to marinate in the fridge while we waited. Her apartment was so cosy and quiet that it was nice just to sit in with her there. Not even talking often… just enjoying each other silence. I once heard a quote that said “You know you’ve found someone special if you can just shut up for a second and enjoy their company in silence.” (although my baby is hardly quiet :P, I always just enjoy sitting around lazily with you <3).>
As I said, we’d originally made plans to see Scary Movie 4, but both she and I heard that the movie was crap. So I had borrowed a movie book full of pirated movies and such, that we could watch at her place in nice solitude and comfort. We picked Mr. and Ms. Smith because I hadn’t seen it and Vanessa said she didn’t mind watching it again. Everything was going well, I had been brushing against her more often: creating more physical contact as I gained more courage. She went and got a blanket because it was cold, and I boldly asked her if I could get under there too because I was feeling chilly too. She looked at me strange at first, probably because I always used to sit so far away from her. I deliberately brushed against her many times, trying to make it seem as if I became more attracted to her and boost my confidence. Tonight was going to be the night that id tell her. No matter what. But it wasn’t the right time yet.
I had to wait.
We saw Failure to Launch with Ron. Orignally Ron and Vanessa had planned to see it alone. I was going to have none of it. I was adamant about being there and staying with Vanessa until we had another moment alone. It wasn’t until the movie was over and we were back where we started – her apartment. Ron had gone home already, and I was still trying to get the strength to tell Vanessa that I liked her. It was so difficult, with so many unanswered questions revolving around inside my head. Will she say yes to be with me? What if she says no? What if she says she likes me, but we can’t be together because she’s leaving? What if she says no and stops talking to me? I was so scared that I struggled to find words the entire night. I was sitting on the right side of her futon couch, the night was dark, the lights were dim and we were talking about personal things again. I remember the way she looked at me from the coffee table, trying to see past my fringe that was blocking my face. A mans soul can get lost in those eyes. I kept tip toeing around the subject of me telling her that I liked her. I was saying that I valued her friend ship a lot, and that her moving back overseas would mean that a lot of things would change between us. I told her that I didn’t want to lose her friendship and that I would be upset if we stopped talking. She kept assuring me that we’d still be friends. I wanted to tell her then and there that she should be my girlfriend and stay. I was too scared too. I almost left the apartment and said nothing. But Vanessa bid me to tell her. She has that effect on me. She makes me push myself and do things that I never thought I could do. And that’s why I liked her. She unknowingly does it but she makes me push myself to new heights. I asked her “Would you want to go with me to a place I know, close by, so we can talk some more. You might want to take a jacket though, its very cold.”
She said OK. This was it.
The moment Id been waiting for had arrived. I drove her from my apartment in silence, just us two sitting in my beat up
I had been there more than a few times. I use the place to think to myself when I’m confronted with tough decisions. The place means a lot to me, because it always gives me peace of mind when ever I look at the view. I can think clearly and it relaxes me if something bad or troubling has happened. I thought it a perfect place to get my thoughts straight and tell her, that I liked her. We sat down on the pier, I gave her my jacket to keep warm and we we’re silent. Vanessa was so cute that night, with the colourful lights glistening off the water behind her. She looked like an angel with the halo of city sky lights behind her. “Wow, it’s a very nice view.” She said to break the silence. “Yeah” I replied “I come here to think some times, it helps me to relax when looking at the skyline.”
We were quiet again for quite some time, just staring into the distance. Our voices were unheard, but I could clearly hear the throbbing of my heat, the beating of my pulse just tearing up my neck and making my hands shake, my chest felt like it was going to explode. I had to let the pressure out some how “You know, before when I was telling you about the girl I liked. Well, I like her for who she is, you know. She’s sweet, kind, considerate, pretty and is a loving person. She’s very talkative and is always willing to talk about other peoples problems. I’m very scared to tell her that I like her because I’m afraid of losing her friendship, which I hold very dear to me. She makes me feel like a real person, and takes me for who I am and what I have to offer. She understands me and really listens to me. Vanessa…” Her eyes were staring into mine… her glistening eyes delving into my soul….I remember the way her face looked so… innocent and carefree but so intent on what I had to say. I was entranced by her stare… I couldn’t hold back now… I had to say it:
” …the girl I like, is you.”
Her jaw dropped open, and she looked away from me, into the ocean. It was a shock to her because I had always said that I liked another girl, and never showed her any inclination that I liked her. I waited for her final reply. Every heartbeat was just as intense, waiting for her reply. I laid everything on the table, and bared everything. I had nothing else to say… and was only waiting for 4 simple words “I like you too…” I moved closer to her to keep her warm, and put my arm around her. The drive back was quiet, with just us constantly looking into each others eyes. Still getting used to the fact that we we’re now together. Even with all the daunting and unanswered questions about her leaving
We had found each other at last.
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