Our amazing journey...

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Our first month: one of many...

After the escapades that we went through during our first week(a lot more stuff happened but its too personal to tell and its not my story); the shock of getting together, the nasty calls and messages of the ex boyfriend, the decision for Vanessa to stay (which later on changed…-_-) I had so much fun. Before we got together, we had lunches and dinners and saw movies together, but it was different; the atmosphere, the feelings, the romance, the sensations of her touch on my hand and the embrace of her hug.

It was all new to me, and I was very happy. When we went out and ate or saw a movie, time would pass by so quickly that we’d be asking each other at the end of the day “Is that the time already!? Where did the time go??” When we went to bed it felt like we had woken up only minutes beforehand. It was good and bad in a way, I guess. Good in the fact that it was evident that we were so compatible for each other that the time just flew by. But bad in the fact that our time seemed so limited once she decided to leave (this came later) Just sitting opposite from her in the car, while eating, or even just sitting next to each other….I would find myself just staring at her, my smile rimming my face. She is so cute; the way her eyes light up when she looks up at me (because I’m taller than her, I get to see this all the time HEHE ^_^), the way she laughs hysterically when I do something really dumb. The way she grins at my lame and stupid jokes. Things I liked, she liked (except for eating salad : ( ). And the things she liked, I liked.

We did have some differences though. Because I kept to myself for 19 years and never really exposed my true feelings and thoughts to anyone, I had a lot of things to get past. I had mental barriers too, that kept us from being closer together. I would reject her at times when she asked me something, and it would hurt her deeply. I quickly saw the error of my ways… and promptly changed them. And looking back on all the things I did in the beginning… it was so stupid I just shake my head at it.

How could I keep pushing you away like that? You opened yourself fully but I still kept myself closed off. You told me that you accepted me, but I kept telling you that you wouldn’t. I had no right to hurt you twice in a similar way. I had no right to push you away. I should have realized earlier that you would accept me for who I am, not what I am. I changed. I put my own reservations aside and opened fully. And I was welcomed with open arms. The feeling of being truly free and open to another person is scary, because they then know your darkest secrets. Trust. Trust is the thing that binds relationships together. Once trust is broken then the relationship is almost certainly doomed. But I trusted her, unconditionally. I knew she would never cheat on me with another guy while we were together, I knew she would tell me something if I asked the truth from her, I knew she would keep my secrets unless I said it was OK to tell someone else. And she knows that I would do the same. I changed so that she would be sure that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her deliberately. I tried my best to make it up to her, the times I hurt her, and she didn’t forgive me initially – but she eventually saw me for who I am; a normal human being.

“To err is human. To forgive, is divine.” (famous Shakespere quote.)

Vanessa stood by me while I was going through these changes, and I love you for it baby.

Growing up, all my friends had gone out with girls. Either clubbing or dating or just partying/drinking together. I wasn’t one of those guys. Id be following them.. then turning away with all the other single, lonely guys and talk about guy stuff. Now though, I was one of those couples you look at and wish were you. I was one of the guys with a cute girl on my arm. One of the guys with a girl resting on my lap in the sun. One of the guys not alone in the cinema: I was one of those people that I had been jealous of for a long time. Especially at Bo’s birthday. It was supposed to be 4 guys with 4 girlfriends (Bo, Louie, Emre and Andri) but I was adamant about bringing Vanessa. I wanted to see what it was like to go out with your girlfriend. And it was great. Of course I had to watch my language a bit more, and tell everyone to smoke in the next room(sorry guys! :P), but having her with me was good. And everyone complemented on how good we looked together. It raised my spirits even further. It all felt so right with Vanessa from day one, I just wanted her to be happy : ) .

But back to Bo’s birthday, it was really fun with Vanessa there. And I liked having to take care of her while she was tipsy from drinking ( even though she barely had anything – cheap drunk! :P). We were catching the tram back to her place along Clarendon street, and we got off in the middle of the road. I wanted to wait for the pedestrian signal to turn green.. but Vanessa had other ideas. She broke free from my grip I had on her arm, and ran across the road and almost got hit by a police car! I was so scared my heart jumped out of my chest!! I ran across the road and held her close for a long time. She was just accepting the fact she almost got hurt. But it hit me deep. I knew then that if anything happened to Vanessa and I was partly responsible; It would be the worst feeling imaginable. I knew that I would need to protect her as much as I could when im with her. Like when we’re walking down stairs or up a gutter on the street, she sometimes assures me “Baby, don’t worry: I’m okay ^^” and in Malaysia, she said those exact words just before she slipped and fell on a stone staircase. They were all new experiences for me, but Vanessa has been through these feelings before. She’s felt a lovers pain before. Initially this was disheartening as I was constantly reminded of the fact that she had a lot of sentimental and personal memories with another person. But then as time passed, the references to past experiences faded away and it was good; to know that she was enjoying time with me because it was with me and nothing else.

She also had some couple-firsts with me though. One would be going to the strip-club in Melbourne (although it was kind of gross) it was fun and very interesting. I had to lead the troops into the strip club but if I didn’t, we probably would have gone in a lot later or not at all. Or like showing Vanessa how to drive my manual car on the docks in Melbourne (right near the place where I told Vanessa I liked her). It was cute how she was struggling with my steering wheel and enjoying herself when driving it around in circles hehe. And then when she stalled a few times near the end and I teased her about it. It was quiet and peaceful during the first month of our relationship. I still think back to those blissful times and look at how far we’ve come. I still smile when I think back to those times, and when I think of Vanessa now when we’re apart from each other. I miss my butterfly so much, and I wish I could have been with her for our six month anniversary (which was today! I LOVE YOU BABY!! LOTS LOTS!!! *MUAH*) It’s a shame not all our anniversaries were as great as my second month eh? :P. First month was especially bad. Because I had no experience with girlfriends and what to do with them, I took a lot of advice from friends at the beginning.

Some of it was good, and some of it was so very very bad. For our first month anniversary, I foolishly took my friends advice of “not making it anything special” and didn’t show up on the day for it. My gut instinct and the romantic side of me said to be there for it. But I took my friends advice and didn’t arrive on the day. I did make a card though, with 101 individual heats cut out and stuck onto the back to show Vanessa that I loved her an impossible amount. Hehe ^^;;. Vanessa was hurt that I didn’t show up. She planned a very fun and special Scavenger Hunt around her appartment with clues and hints with a gift at the end (she said she wanted to make it special because we didnt have many anniversaries together). Because i didn't show up, proving i was unreliable and unromantic, she compared me to her last failed relationship and said “Don’t think I don’t see the tell tale signs already.” That cut me deep, the fact that I was being compared like that. But I realized I had erred, and realized that this relationship was for her and me, and I shouldn’t let other peoples’ advice influence the things that I do. I made sure that from then on, I would let my heart lead the way I lived my life and the actions I took around Vanessa. It has guided me along a frightening and wonderful path, this rollercoaster ride with Vanessa.

And I hope our ride never ends.

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