About a week after my birthday, Vanessa and her family were meant to attend a special jewelry function, that was arranged by LARRY JEWELRY to show off this years fashionable (and expensive) trends; necklaces, rings and bracelets. So, we had to get to Singapore. Vanessa’s mum would have taken a plane there, but because I was following them- the only option was to drive there. IT WAS SO COOL! I wish I was driving! Nothing but clear open highway, no speed limits, no police – just miles and miles of smooth pavement. I didn’t get a chance to drive on it :(, Vanessa’s dad hogged all the fun. But maybe it wouldn’t have been a good idea to let me drive anyway. I can be a bit of a speed demon and drive quite fast ^^. It only took a few hours to get from KL to customs; even after taking food/bathroom breaks. It was a good trip, very fun and interesting car ride. Watching the scenery roll by, the green palm plantations, trees and grass; Malaysia is a very beautiful country in terms of its vegetation. It’s a shame a lot of it has been mistreated with all the pollution and the country’s reliance on car transport. The emission and chemical levels being released into the atmosphere are most likely astronomical. I think cars have been preferred over public transport because of their ease of use, commutability, and low cost of infrastructure. With rising petrol prices; Malaysia will soon be in a very sore position and transport will be impossible if not targeted soon. The haze (although it is said it is due to forest burning in Indonesia) is very thick around the city during sunset, and the sky is almost always cloudy and grey, and is most likely because of these emissions. Singapore, however, has already seen to this problem. When approaching the border of Singapore from Malaysia- the difference is a slap in the face.

The sky is clearer for one. The blues shine out from behind *white* clouds, and the sunlight emphasizes the colours in Singapore, making them more vibrant and distinct. Where as in Malaysia, colours are quite dull and blurry because of poor sunlight. Another thing I noticed at once in Singapore; the speed limits on roads are strongly enforced. When you’ve been going 190km/h on a freeway for a few hours, and then you suddenly slow down to a measly 60km/h on clear roads – you really feel how slow 60km really is. Vanessa always complained about how 60km was slow in Melbourne, but being used to it, I had no idea what she was talking about. “60km is fine! There’s no point rushing.” After coming back to Melbourne after that trip, I know now that I have been a fool. The last thing I noticed was the food and hawkers centers. The hawkers center we went to in Bukit Timah and Newton Circus were some of the cleanest hawkers centers I had been in my whole trip. There were lights! And clean tables! And live performances! I was so amazed at how two different rivaling countries that are so close by could be so different in their quality of life. Poverty is also not as apparent in Singapore (although we mainly stuck to the more wealthy areas), and the amount of rubbish and litter that dots the streets is almost non existent in Singapore. Just walking down Orchard Road in Singapore when Vanessa when on a little shopping spree, was enjoyable. The busy people running around, the lights, the music of busker’s, the clean street and no smelly garbage or homeless people lining the street- the atmosphere really keeps you alert and attentive. Shopping was a blast too. I pretty much just followed Vanessa around Orchard Road while she invaided her favourtie stores and bought everything on the shelves :P. Even though I didn’t buy anything (I had bought a lot of stuff in Malaysia and was content with everything I had already)I still had fun just watching Vanessa try on clothes that made her look hot or cute or just plain silly. It reminded me of the time when we both went to Chadstone together and went shopping. Back then times were simple; we had just gotten together and we weren’t in a rush for anything. Just casually buying and trying on different things. Enjoying each others opinion’s on clothes. Admiring how pretty Vanessa looked in the Garfunkle dress she bought there… but there was an underlying sadness to everything…

Being in Singapore meant that my holiday was almost half over and that id be leaving in less than 2 weeks.

After Vanessa had cleaned the shelves in the stores she liked, we walked around a bit more and took photos of some famous places in Orchard Road, and walked around a bit longer until we were ready to go back to her grandmothers house. I didn’t really buy much the entire Singapore trip, but I did manage to pick up a phone that I wanted: the LG CHOCOLAT and at the same time Vanessa got her Nokia L’amour phone. Which meant that we both had camera phones ^^! ( I have so many cute pictures of her in mine, I look at them to remind me of her.) I felt very welcomed by MOST of Vanessa’s grandparents. Though her grand-aunty really hated me. I often said hello to her, but only got a scowl or nothing in reply from her. I don’t know if it was because I was white, or if I was staying with them for free or because of some other unknown reason – she just didn’t like me. But I still stayed polite and said good morning to her every day; being nice consistently wins out. They had specially arranged for an extra guest on their table, and allowed me to follow Vanessa. I was scared to go and have Vanessa pointing out jewelry pieces worth thousands and thousands of dollars. I thought id be standing there with Vanessa running around excitedly, looking at and trying on all the jewelry… me feeling pressured to buy some of it for her one day. But it wasn’t like that at all. Vanessa was more afraid of being clumsy with it and breaking, and she said that she would never expect me to stuff like that because its just a waste of money :P.

Needless to say, I was relieved but also saddened at the thought that I wouldn’t be able to provide her with such luxuries if I didn’t do well in life. I added it to my list of motivation, making sure that id be able to buy her at least 1 piece of jewelry like that some day. The dinner was excellent, the food was great and Vanessa was absolutely beautiful as always. She had bought a new pink gown from DKNY, and although it was slightly dressy for the occasion- she was the only thing I found myself looking at the whole night. In contrast to all the gloss and glamour of the party, I was betting that she wouldn’t have liked my birthday gift at all. I had secretly got Vanessa’s parents to dupe her into thinking that I had gone to her dads work for a day while we were in Malaysia- but instead I went out with Vanessa’s mum and bought a silver bracelet with a love heart on it. I also spent many nights making a birthday popup-card with silver pens and coloured paper. I gave it to her on her birthday in Singapore in my room. She was genuinely surprised and very thankful for the gift – though she was mad at me for lying to her! (she still teases me about lying to her even now!). Though she really wasn’t expecting anything, and it was hard enough to prepare anything for her with the limited amount of resources I had. I had no connections, no phone numbers, no car and no idea where to begin shopping. If it wasn’t for the help of Vanessa’s parents (especially her dad for taking all the abuse to go along with the farce) I wouldn’t have been able to do it all.

Our time in Singapore was short lived, and it was already time to leave even though we had just started to get settled in. I especially enjoyed the Night Safari that I went to with Vanessa. Sitting in the noisy car in the dark, scarring all the animals away was fun in its own way- and even though I didn’t get to take many photos (stupid crappy camera!) I wont forget the way Vanessa and I always turned to each other and said “Laaaaaaaaaaame” to the jokes that the zoo keepers told during the tour. Although we had only been in Singapore for a few days, I didn’t want to live out my warm welcome at her grandmothers house. I wasn’t paying any rent or food money, and I think some of my gratefulness for their hospitability was lost in translation (they didn’t speak strong English). I already felt like I had invaded their home long enough and was beginning to succumb to the glowering grand-aunty, so I guess it was as good a time as any to leave, be welcomed back by the; speed friendly freeways, more relaxed environment and good food of Malaysia.

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Up until my birthday, Vanessa was always teasing me: “Do you know what day it is in 3 days?” I asked her, trying to hint at her that it was my birthday incase she forgot “Yup.” She replied “It’s going to be Wednesday!” ^^” she replied. I laughed, I really didn’t expect any sort of present or to go out and celebrate anywhere. I would have been contented with a simple “Happy Birthday baby!” or something like that. So that night before my birthday, I went to bed early expecting nothing. What I woke up to was very special. We rose early, and got dressed in some comfy clothes. “Time to go baby.” Vanessa said in the morning, already waiting to leave “Where are we going?” I asked genuinely, really not expecting anything. “I dunno ^^” was her only reply. I knew then that something was up: that they had planned something for me, and I was already beginning to feel very thankful and appreciative of their efforts. We drove down from their house to the Glenmarie Resort house, where there’s a; gym, swimming pool and day spa. We were looking for parking outside the day spa, somewhere close to the door so that Vanessa’s mum didn’t have to walk too far (lol), when Vanessa reversed too quickly and hit another car on her left side. We were all in shock for a second, and quite confused on what to do. My first thought was “Is this my fault? We’re only here because of my birthday…” So the feeling of being very touched kind of sunk down a bit, and the void was filled with a tinge of guilt. After the commotion outside, and being treated like royalty by the Glenmarie staff (for no other reason than for being white), we eventually walked inside and started my birthday in full.

It turned out Vanessa had planned for her, her mum and myself to attend a day spa together. I had never been to a day spa before. Being a man from low standing, I had never been pampered or had someone toting on me before in my whole life. Needless to say, this was going to be a whole new experience for me. It was very strange at first. As soon as I walked through the door, I already felt strange. A man greeted me, and bid me to change into a robe, a towel and a pair of shorts. “NO SHIRT!?” I asked myself incredulously. I have never gone topless in front of people since I was 5 years old(because of my obese weight problem, it was always embarrassing). But I figured no one I knew would be around and ill probably never see any of these people ever again, so I just went with it and took my shirt off. After bathing and getting changed again, I then went through the circuit of hot baths, cold baths, saunas and spas. It was very relaxing to lay in the bubbling pool of warm water, and stare up into the blinking lights in the ceiling. Just letting the mind drift away into nothingness; letting the mind go blank, enjoying the warmth of the water and the tickling sensations of the bubbles. I tried to cover up as much as possible when entering/leaving each station, but I soon got more relaxed about it and wasn’t so adamant about it any longer. I had no idea which station was in what order, so I let the attendant direct me around and tell me which one to do in what order. I thanked him politely and left the spa area and went into the back area where there were comfy chairs and TV/magazines to busy myself with while I waited for Vanessa to meet me at the back.

Being the naïve totally lost white boy- I was obviously waiting in an area totally different to the one I should have been in.

One of the attendants walking by noticed a white boy sitting by himself, and recognized that I was probably the one that Vanessa and her mum had told the attendant to look for and tell me to go to where they were waiting. We sat around in a private room for a few minutes, just ordering food and drink to eat and enjoying the quiet soft tones of muffled voices and birds outside the clear windows opening up to a green landscape. Though we were rudely interrupted and asked to leave the private room and go to anther one (which was taken when we came back from the massage), it was still quiet and peaceful enough in the main area, with the projector on the wall with cable TV viewing. The food wasn’t fantastic, but I would say it still beats some of the bad Melbourne asian food. But as with most things: it always tastes better when it was free. The highlight of the experience was the body massage that Vanessa and I had. We went into a dimly lit room, where two asian girls (not pretty at all :( ) were waiting to give us a massage. It was very relaxing, and I wondered if I could learn a few things so that when I gave Vanessa a massage it would feel this good. I don’t know if I managed to learn their techniques quite effectively, but Vanessa says my massages are perfect anyway ^^. It went on for many minutes, and I was almost falling asleep when she asked me “Do you want stepping?” “Huh? What’s stepping?” I managed to glance over to Vanessa. “That’s when they hold on to the ceiling and walk on your back.” Huh, I had always seen that in movies and it always looks really relaxing, but these two girls weren’t as hot as the ones in the movies ( =P! ), so I declined politely and said yes to cracking. Now, I don’t know about you, but when most people hear their neck snap as loud as a tree branch being snapped in half, they would almost certainly ask them self “WHAT THE F*#K WAS THAT?”. I was worried that my neck had been caused permanent harm, and wondered if these two girls were Charlie’s Angels and had come to assassinate me… The massage continued on for a few more minutes, and the girl made her way down my lower back and massaged just above my butt cheeks. I knew then that I probably should have shaved my ass, because she most likely hasn’t dealt with many white people before and had to use a lot more massage oil in order to make my skin soft enough to rub properly. The day spa was nice, and I look forward to a day that I can afford to go back again with Vanessa. It was nice to just sit down and relax next to her, always 3ft away from me and in view. She’s the thing that made everything magical.

She looked stunning that night, too. After the day spa we went back to her house and got changed into some evening wear to go out and eat at a fine dining place in KL. The drive was long and I was anxious to see where we were going. Vanessa though, kept me from getting out of control. She had dressed up in a very beautiful dress, and put on makeup and dressed up. She looked like a queen (and I always treat her like one). I felt like the happiest guy on earth to be with a girl this beautiful. We eventually got to the hotel and sat down to eat. The restaurant was very empty, with only a group of 12 people or so eating dinner together in a secluded part of the restaurant. The setting was nice, with comfy chairs and a very dazzling center piece to the room. Chains of multi coloured lights hung down from the ceiling in a tube shape, and changed colour from; greens, all the way to reds and yellows – even blues. The dinner was no less spectacular, with a nice soup entrée, fish main and pudding dessert. Just tasting the quality of the food, the tastes dancing in my mouth, I could tell that this was a very expensive meal. I felt even more honored to receive such a nice birthday gift when I found out that Vanessa’s mum had won the dinner in a purchasing competition that a clothing store had held, and surrendered the dinner for two for Vanessa and myself. The evening was complete with a series of photos that we took together and we left the restaurant and went home, where Vanessa had prepared a special cake for me. My name was on the top and it said happy birthday; Vanessa even remembered that I liked carrot cake and specially ordered one for me. We took photos of me blowing out the candles, and coupling together. She looked so beautiful in that dress; I will never forget the way she cutely pouted constantly at me ^^, the way her eyes looked at me over the dinner table, the way she complained that she didn’t like the vegetables on her dinner plate and demanded that I put some of them on mine so that she didn’t feel bad for not eating them ^^.

It was a very special day for me, and I will treasure it in my memories forever. I never expected to be treated with such hospitality and kindness from a family who had just met me not even two weeks beforehand.

Baby, I thank you for making me feel more than at home, in a place so very foreign to me.

My only wish is that some of those moments together were just as memorable for you.

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It has been a few days since my last post. I’ve been quite busy helping my parents and doing some study for my upcoming exams (I’m still stressing as I write this). A little intro before I begin from where I left off….

I’m still quite a time waster, and haven’t drastically improved my time management skills. I have improved in some ways though. I try to start a lot of things earlier than I used to. I guess it was always a lack of motivation that I had. I had no real dreams or ambitions before entering university. I could never picture myself doing something specific in 20 years. Some people grow up from the age of 3, thinking they want to be a Fireman. Of course, 97% of those children don’t become fire men, but then there’s the 3% that do. I used to envy those people (and sometimes I still do). The fact they put their mind to something, dedicated their whole life to it and achieved it. I look back on my life and see very few things I was ever passionate about. I think it’s because I was so used to having the carpet pulled out from under me so often taught me to not get hopeful about things. I still sometimes don’t get as excited as I would like when I hear good news or get a good grade. I just learned to take everything in my stride, just incase the happiness was short lived to make the pain afterwards easier. One of the things I’ve been most passionate about is Vanessa. She is probably the only person I have put this much heart and soul on the line for and seen great things come from it. Before I met her I had no ambition... no drive to better myself or to study hard or to dress nicely or talk more or anything. I am so grateful to have known and been with Vanessa this long. I love you baby, please never forget how much I care for and treasure you. I am always being put to the test to show how much I do care. By you, your family, your friends, my friends, my family: and especially myself. I am constantly berating myself about things that I’ve done badly or failed to do properly. “If you love her as much as you think you do- you’d do your best.” I do always do my best, and sometimes its not good enough. So that’s why I try harder. Love is a test of; trust and effort. The two interrelate on some levels, yet are completely different on some others. Trust ensures that neither partner would deceive or hide malicious thoughts from the other. Effort ensures that the relationship is long lasting, and that any differences can be resolved in a proper way. The two interrelate because it takes a lot of effort to trust a person wholeheartedly especially when love is put on trial so many times in such a short period (as you have seen with our relationship). I am never willing to give up on us. Vanessa, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I just wanted you to know that before I begin the tale again.
So, without further adieu….

Initially, my trip to Malaysia was only to achieve one purpose: Be with Vanessa as long as possible to make sure we had enough time to establish a better foundation for our relationship. Although we were already together for just over two months, it isn’t enough time to really see a person for who they really are.

Because, in most cases, you can never really know a person.

There will almost always be a part of a friend or a partner that you never see. It could be a habit, and emotion, feelings towards someone/something. It could be general behavior or actions that you never thought they might be capable of doing. Especially since Vanessa’s previous relationship was constantly built on lies upon lies upon lies. I didn’t want Vanessa to begin thinking I was the same way. I wanted to show her, to prove to her, that the person she was with was genuine. That everything I did or said to her was true, and not an act of deception to fool her into thinking something. I wanted her to see that I had nothing to hide, that I didn’t want to keep anything from her. Two months isn’t enough time to see the ‘full story’. Especially when not living together or seeing each other every day. So, I went to Malaysia for an entire month to show her that I was acting from my heart, and not manipulating anyone. The second reason for me going was to see what Malaysia was like. Vanessa always said, and still says today, that she could no live in Melbourne for the rest of her life. Always constantly reminded of this, I played it through my head over and over thinking “Then if she can’t live here… I have to see if I can live there.” But what was Malaysia like? Vanessa had told me brief snippets of information and I have had dealings with Malaysian friends before. All I had was a bunch of random, unrelated stories (although, 80% are about the food >_<) that each of them had told and had swelled up into some really strange mental image of what it would be like. Of course, the weather and smog played a big role in determining what it would be like. The fact that a lot of ‘slave labor’ was employed in the country meant a lot of poverty/border line poverty stricken people would be walking around. I had no freaking idea what a “hawkers centre” was, so I had pictured something entirely different.

I really had no idea what I was doing, but then again – as with love – all we can do is follow our heart and hope for the best.

The fact that I might have to learn to get used to Malaysia really only hit me immediately after stepping off the air conditioned plane. The air, was hot. Really hot. The heat was very sticky and wet and the temperature was up in the 30’s. I had just come from a place where we were close to being frozen in time from Melbourne’s weather, and I step off the plane and feel like melting. I will admit, I was filled with a sudden sense of panic. No novice to the weather patterns of the world, I knew that this was what the weather was like all year round. It came to me like “Wow, so it’s always like this.” I knew then that it would take some getting used to. I realized that if I were to move here in the future, id have to get used to a lot of things. I would have to change a lot of my habits, my day activities, my job perspectives, my diet, the clothes I would wear – a lot of things would need to change in order for me to adapt to live here. I would need to sacrifice a lot in order to stay here. As we were walking through the airport another thing was apparent. I was being watched. Now, I don’t mean a few people were giving me curious glances. I’m talking about people walking by, stopping what they’re doing and just watching me walk past. They were all pretty much thinking something along the lines of “WOW! A WHITE KID!”. It was especially obvious after we got through customs and went out into the main meeting area near the front door. As I walked through the crowd, I was asked if I wanted accommodation about 6 times in less than a minute. Hadn’t these people seen white people before? Were white people so rare here? It was strange having all the attention on me for a change; in Melbourne I’m just like any other ordinary white guy. Here it seemed as if I was something of particular interest and a rarity. Would the strange looks and constant attention go away? Maybe in a small community or a workplace the stares would change and I would be accepted normally. But until then, how would I learn to adapt and fit in?

All the while during my trip to Malaysia I was constantly asking myself:

Will I ever be able to fit in?

It is a question, I fear, I still do not know the answer to.

Fortunately, Vanessa’s parents seemed to welcome me. In all honesty, I was expecting them to look different. Maybe a bit taller (please don’t tell your dad that -.-;;) and her mum… well, looked nothing like Vanessa so I was a bit put off there also.

Her dad’s first words to me where “Welcome to Malaysia.”

Funny, since it seemed that Malaysia didn’t welcome me.

That night we went to eat at a hawkers center. It was TOTALLY NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING. I had the typical white-boy clean-food mindset “Oh, its some food court thing indoors. With food things all around, yeah.” What was it actually? A bunch of food carts with; nowhere to wash your hands, No where to wash the utensils, No where to stop bugs or animals from coming near your food, No food/health rating. Despite this, I wasn’t afraid to eat there at all. Normally a white guy would be like “Oh hell no. I am not eating that.” Even most local Asian people I know wouldn’t eat it. I couldn’t wait to try it all. Vanessa had hyped up the food quality in Malaysia, so I was expecting something pretty tasty. I wasn’t disappointed. The food tasted awesome. The noodles have so many different flavours and have hints of lots of different tastes that its almost impossible to pinpoint them all. Obviously because of all the MSG they add, but I’m not asthmatic so I wasn’t afraid of a little bit of MSG. All the different noodles, the breads, the soups, the porridge, the rice, the satay, the sushi; all of it was delicious. “I gained 4 kg in 4 weeks – join my eating plan now~~!! The all new Anti-Anorexic diet!” The food was easy to get used to, probably because I wasn’t afraid of eating anything, unless it really pushed me to my limits. Like when we had seafood with flies buzzing around the food all day, and the pig intestines in the BaKu Teh (I could only eat one piece of it… damn the documentary I saw on parasites from food -_-). And to the surprise of Vanessa and her family (to me as well!) I didn’t even get food poisoning once. I took it as a sign that there were ways to making this work. The fact that I could tolerate the food and was beginning to tolerate the weather meant that there was a chance for me to survive here.

Vanessa’s parents were very welcoming during my first few days in Malaysia. They had never met me before, never heard stories about me, never even seen more than a few pictures of me. Yet they had prepared a bathroom and bedroom for me with toiletries and towels and told me about how I should go about putting clothes in the washing basket, and showed me around the house. I was very touched by the way they accommodated for me so nicely. The fact that they went through the trouble of buying me toiletries to use was very nice of them, and I really appreciate their willingness to put aside the general perception Malaysian people have of white people (they’ve had experiences with some really arrogant white people) and give me a chance. I especially have to thank Vanessa’s dad again for taking some time off work to show me around Malaysia and take us out to eat all the time. Not to mention letting me tag along to his work sites and see what the construction industry in Malaysia was like. That too, was something I would need to get used to. The health and safety regulations don’t really exist in Malaysia, and the scaffolding and construction materials/machines they used there were sub par. A construction specialist would get away with a lot over there if they knew how to play their cards right. I didn’t know what kind of impression I was giving them during the first few weeks. I was quite tired and lazy a lot of the time, exhausted by the sheer heat and constant humidity. It’s very hard to want to go outside and do things when its 30º everyday. It was pretty draining at first, and drained a lot of fluids. In Melbourne, I barely get thirsty and never need to use the bathroom. Now I know why Vanessa always drinks water and needs to use a bathroom every twenty minutes :P.

But I eventually got used to it. I no longer took cold showers, I put the conditioner and the fan in my room on a lower setting- anything to try and ease into the weather better. Anything to adapt. That’s all people can really do in such situations. They have to reanalyze their options and their surrounds and adapt to them. I think through my high tolerance and resistance, I managed to change my perceptions on the food and the weather. During the first week and a half, Vanessa’s parents took me around to see a few amazing sights: like Batu Caves. The scenery is magnificent there, like a rainforest hidden away in a cave at the top of hundreds of stairs (I made Vanessa climb them with me, which she hated me for- but I gave a massage as thanks for being strong and doing it with me! :P). If I went on my Malaysia trip alone, I wouldn’t have been as great as it was. I wouldn’t have the images and memories that I carry around with me now. I wouldn’t be able to picture Vanessa, sitting opposite me, eating Mee Goreng (with the crunchy bits!) with me. I wouldn’t be able to imagine the upset and pouting look she gave me once we got to the top of the staircase at Batu Caves.

You were the reason why I went to Malaysia. You were the only thing I wanted to see.

I paid a lot of money for my air fare, but spending time with you made it worth every cent.

I have more fun with you than I do anything else. I thank you again baby for trying to ease me into your family and get to know your parents better. I thank you for giving me a chance to meet your parents and to stay with you and see what Malaysia is like. I thank you for putting up with my bad pronunciations of places/food/names… pretty much anything that wasn’t English. I thank you for putting up with my annoying reference to “Keluar” every time we were leaving a shopping center. I thank you for giving me one of the best birthdays I ever had, even after we had the slight accident outside of the day spa. It meant so much to me, the fact that you went through all the trouble of organizing the dinner, the cake and the day spa; that I wrote an individual piece about it :). Adapting isn’t easy; you yourself could never fully adapt to Melbourne.

Thank you for those memories beautiful, I will never forget the new experiences I had during those first days in Malaysia, that you were willing to share with me. All the memories; the good and the bad.

Like my love for you, I will treasure them forever.

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Our second month together was not all together uneventful, but the times were less strenuous and our relationship was learning to grow at an exponential rate. Sometime during our first month, Vanessa had got a call from her parents and had a long talk with them over the phone. I was in her bedroom, doing some internet stuff on the computer and had just finished when I came out to see what she was doing. She was sitting on her couch, the lights dim and talking in soft tones on the phone. I couldn’t see her from where I was standing in the hallway, but I could make out some of the things she was saying. Her parents were explaining to her that she wasn’t going to be allowed to stay in Melbourne to work, and that she was going to have to move back overseas or else she wouldn’t have the support of her parents any more.

Family is important; they have known you and put up with you since birth, you know that you can always turn to them when you’re in dire need of help and need some supporting. As opposed to a brand new relationship that hasn’t even been tested to see if it would go the whole nine yards yet. I didn’t blame her parents for the choice, but I wish they had made a different ruling on the subject. I didn’t interrupt Vanessa’s phone call.. so I waited until she hung up the phone. Every passing second I was behind her waiting to hear the *beep* of the phone call being ended, I just wanted to go out and hug her and tell her that it was OK.

But I didn’t want her to say anything differently or change her words to better accommodate the fact that I was there. And if her parents heard me during the phone call, they would surely start talking about something else. As soon as the call was over, I went to her side with tissues in my hand. I asked what the phone call was about, and what her parents were saying. But by the tears rimming her face, the sad look in her eyes – I already knew. I knew she wouldn’t take the leap for me. Who would really? Any rational person would weigh up the sides and easily spot out that one was definitely the ‘smarter choice’ – that being to leave Melbourne. Vanessa had been considering and weighing up the decisions anyway, making a list of all the positive and negative points of each scenario. She had told me she’d done this, and she asked if I wanted to know the result. I knew the result, deep down I knew, but I refused to hear the verdict of the list.

I just wanted to believe that something so magical, something so perfect could be flawless. I guess in my own sense of denial I never wanted us to end. For the first time in my life, everything had meaning and felt so perfect. So when I was sitting down next to her on that couch, and she told me that her parents said she couldn’t stay with their blessing, I said “Long distance it is then.” I couldn’t give up, not then- not ever. I would never give up Vanessa so easily. I wouldn’t let any obstacles stand in my way and ruin everything. I would hold onto her till the bitter end- my unrelenting grip would grasp onto her arms until they began to burn, until they’d start pumping battery acid. And even then, I wouldn’t want to let go. But the ruling is final, and I didn’t want to make Vanessa betray her family for me, so I did what any boyfriend would do: I helped her pack.

Each passing week, her apartment would get emptier and emptier. And each passing week, the feeling of her leaving would become more real. Like I had been denying it happening. My heart refused to believe that Vanessa was actually leaving me, that my first and only love was going to disappear from me. I would no longer be able to see her gleaming eyes, those lips, that smile; or feel her touch, her breath or her embrace.

I refused to believe.

“Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong”

I want to hear these words. Everyday I push myself saying “each day is one day closer to hearing those words straight from her mouth.” I tried to do my best and convince her to stay. I cooked her surprise breakfast, I ran some of her errands, I cooked my specialty lamb chops countless times and never wanted her to pay me for them, I made sure her place was clean if I left and helped her clean a few things when she asked me to. I just wanted to show her that I was worth staying for, because I didn’t want to push her into changing her mind about staying because of something I said. I left it up to her to decide what to do, it was her choice to make… not mine. I wanted to get on my knees and beg her to stay, but if she did it for me and not for herself id feel awful. We had great fun together; we even had a double date with my best friend Bo and his girlfriend. We had a blast together, Bo and I having talks about life and how hot some famous girls are and which one we like best and why… (HAHA only kidding babe! you’re the hottest girl I’ve ever known :P), while Vanessa and Bo’s girlfriend just chatted and watched some crappy F4 series (how I hate f4… grrr). Bo and I got locked out after having a chat, and had to go through some torture to get back inside; and when we eventually we did – we tortured them back hehe ^^. It was fun and romantic in a way, the fact that we just sat with our girlfriends watching tv and eating the delicious food that Vanessa cooked for us (she’s a great cook, you should try her ‘wantons’ :P, only under my supervision of course…). I had gotten so comfortable around her that it was crazy. Like, before we first kissed, I was so nervous and didn’t want to push Vanessa into moving so quickly in a relationship (she told me about being pushed in her last relationship, so I made sure it didn’t happen again). I wanted our first kiss to be romantic, like the time that I told her that I liked her on the pier. I wanted to kiss her in a time that she was upset or sad, I wanted to lift her chin up and say “Don’t be afraid, I’m here.” And kiss her. Unfortunately, this didn’t happen. So a lot of the romantic things that I planned out for her didn’t always work out.

There was one thing though, that went off without a hitch. Following up from my last post about my poor effort for a first month anniversary, I constantly thought about what I should do for our second month. I thought long and hard about how to go about setting it up and deciding what I should do for it, especially so because it was going to be our last anniversary together in Melbourne (though we did have another one when she came back for graduation). I had a lot of ideas in my head and needed to figure out which one was best. I put all of my effort into it, and was so happy with the result when she said “No one could ever top this.” I talked to Vanessa’s housemate and told her to take her out for the day, so I could set up a surprise in Vanessa’s house. I got her house keys and waited for them to leave. Then I snuck in and set up everything. I placed rose petals mixed with potpourri (to give them a really nice smell) from the front door into her room. Then I filled up 101 helium balloons and let them loose in her room (to symbolize the fact that from a scale of 1 to 100, I loved her 100+1). I tied two balloons with string to a card, so that the card would be floating in the air when she opened the door into her room. I set up my present below the card (a necklace that splits apart and becomes two: to show that I would always be there to protect her, and the heart that I gave her was my heart and my soul) I rigged a little cup full of petals to fall down on the door frame so that she would have petals rain on her when she opened the door. Everything was perfect when I closed the door and waited with a bouquet of roses. When she came in she was mystified, she walked into her room and I surprised her. I still remember the way she said “Awwwwwwwwwww” and hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. She then gave me a huggggge list with all the things she loved about me, she let me read it and it ended with “and the list grows everyday”. I guess that’s true, because I always notice new things about Vanessa that I learn to love about her. All her quirks and anal habits, I find cute and funny ^^. I love my baby sooo damn much. And I miss you lots lots <3.>

I always want to do thing special for her, so that she would always remember how much I loved her. I wanted her to leave Melbourne knowing that someone would always love her, and be here to support her through anything. I wanted her to know that I would go the extra mile, just to see her be happy: to make her feel safe and loved. I wanted her to know that if she ever needed me, id be there. I wanted her to know she could count on me for anything, and know that id do anything in my power to get it done. Unfortunately, the decision to leave still stood and I had no choice but to experience what Malaysia was like if I was going to have to live there: because Vanessa was adamant about not living in Melbourne. After helping her sell everything and finish packing, it was time for her to leave. But she wasn’t going alone, I had decided to follow her to Malaysia to make sure that we could be together for as long as possible. If we were going to survive a long distance relationship, we would need to be together for as long as time allowed, and me going to Malaysia was the only way.

There was no other choice but to meet the parents, and see where our relationship would lead.

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After the escapades that we went through during our first week(a lot more stuff happened but its too personal to tell and its not my story); the shock of getting together, the nasty calls and messages of the ex boyfriend, the decision for Vanessa to stay (which later on changed…-_-) I had so much fun. Before we got together, we had lunches and dinners and saw movies together, but it was different; the atmosphere, the feelings, the romance, the sensations of her touch on my hand and the embrace of her hug.

It was all new to me, and I was very happy. When we went out and ate or saw a movie, time would pass by so quickly that we’d be asking each other at the end of the day “Is that the time already!? Where did the time go??” When we went to bed it felt like we had woken up only minutes beforehand. It was good and bad in a way, I guess. Good in the fact that it was evident that we were so compatible for each other that the time just flew by. But bad in the fact that our time seemed so limited once she decided to leave (this came later) Just sitting opposite from her in the car, while eating, or even just sitting next to each other….I would find myself just staring at her, my smile rimming my face. She is so cute; the way her eyes light up when she looks up at me (because I’m taller than her, I get to see this all the time HEHE ^_^), the way she laughs hysterically when I do something really dumb. The way she grins at my lame and stupid jokes. Things I liked, she liked (except for eating salad : ( ). And the things she liked, I liked.

We did have some differences though. Because I kept to myself for 19 years and never really exposed my true feelings and thoughts to anyone, I had a lot of things to get past. I had mental barriers too, that kept us from being closer together. I would reject her at times when she asked me something, and it would hurt her deeply. I quickly saw the error of my ways… and promptly changed them. And looking back on all the things I did in the beginning… it was so stupid I just shake my head at it.

How could I keep pushing you away like that? You opened yourself fully but I still kept myself closed off. You told me that you accepted me, but I kept telling you that you wouldn’t. I had no right to hurt you twice in a similar way. I had no right to push you away. I should have realized earlier that you would accept me for who I am, not what I am. I changed. I put my own reservations aside and opened fully. And I was welcomed with open arms. The feeling of being truly free and open to another person is scary, because they then know your darkest secrets. Trust. Trust is the thing that binds relationships together. Once trust is broken then the relationship is almost certainly doomed. But I trusted her, unconditionally. I knew she would never cheat on me with another guy while we were together, I knew she would tell me something if I asked the truth from her, I knew she would keep my secrets unless I said it was OK to tell someone else. And she knows that I would do the same. I changed so that she would be sure that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her deliberately. I tried my best to make it up to her, the times I hurt her, and she didn’t forgive me initially – but she eventually saw me for who I am; a normal human being.

“To err is human. To forgive, is divine.” (famous Shakespere quote.)

Vanessa stood by me while I was going through these changes, and I love you for it baby.

Growing up, all my friends had gone out with girls. Either clubbing or dating or just partying/drinking together. I wasn’t one of those guys. Id be following them.. then turning away with all the other single, lonely guys and talk about guy stuff. Now though, I was one of those couples you look at and wish were you. I was one of the guys with a cute girl on my arm. One of the guys with a girl resting on my lap in the sun. One of the guys not alone in the cinema: I was one of those people that I had been jealous of for a long time. Especially at Bo’s birthday. It was supposed to be 4 guys with 4 girlfriends (Bo, Louie, Emre and Andri) but I was adamant about bringing Vanessa. I wanted to see what it was like to go out with your girlfriend. And it was great. Of course I had to watch my language a bit more, and tell everyone to smoke in the next room(sorry guys! :P), but having her with me was good. And everyone complemented on how good we looked together. It raised my spirits even further. It all felt so right with Vanessa from day one, I just wanted her to be happy : ) .

But back to Bo’s birthday, it was really fun with Vanessa there. And I liked having to take care of her while she was tipsy from drinking ( even though she barely had anything – cheap drunk! :P). We were catching the tram back to her place along Clarendon street, and we got off in the middle of the road. I wanted to wait for the pedestrian signal to turn green.. but Vanessa had other ideas. She broke free from my grip I had on her arm, and ran across the road and almost got hit by a police car! I was so scared my heart jumped out of my chest!! I ran across the road and held her close for a long time. She was just accepting the fact she almost got hurt. But it hit me deep. I knew then that if anything happened to Vanessa and I was partly responsible; It would be the worst feeling imaginable. I knew that I would need to protect her as much as I could when im with her. Like when we’re walking down stairs or up a gutter on the street, she sometimes assures me “Baby, don’t worry: I’m okay ^^” and in Malaysia, she said those exact words just before she slipped and fell on a stone staircase. They were all new experiences for me, but Vanessa has been through these feelings before. She’s felt a lovers pain before. Initially this was disheartening as I was constantly reminded of the fact that she had a lot of sentimental and personal memories with another person. But then as time passed, the references to past experiences faded away and it was good; to know that she was enjoying time with me because it was with me and nothing else.

She also had some couple-firsts with me though. One would be going to the strip-club in Melbourne (although it was kind of gross) it was fun and very interesting. I had to lead the troops into the strip club but if I didn’t, we probably would have gone in a lot later or not at all. Or like showing Vanessa how to drive my manual car on the docks in Melbourne (right near the place where I told Vanessa I liked her). It was cute how she was struggling with my steering wheel and enjoying herself when driving it around in circles hehe. And then when she stalled a few times near the end and I teased her about it. It was quiet and peaceful during the first month of our relationship. I still think back to those blissful times and look at how far we’ve come. I still smile when I think back to those times, and when I think of Vanessa now when we’re apart from each other. I miss my butterfly so much, and I wish I could have been with her for our six month anniversary (which was today! I LOVE YOU BABY!! LOTS LOTS!!! *MUAH*) It’s a shame not all our anniversaries were as great as my second month eh? :P. First month was especially bad. Because I had no experience with girlfriends and what to do with them, I took a lot of advice from friends at the beginning.

Some of it was good, and some of it was so very very bad. For our first month anniversary, I foolishly took my friends advice of “not making it anything special” and didn’t show up on the day for it. My gut instinct and the romantic side of me said to be there for it. But I took my friends advice and didn’t arrive on the day. I did make a card though, with 101 individual heats cut out and stuck onto the back to show Vanessa that I loved her an impossible amount. Hehe ^^;;. Vanessa was hurt that I didn’t show up. She planned a very fun and special Scavenger Hunt around her appartment with clues and hints with a gift at the end (she said she wanted to make it special because we didnt have many anniversaries together). Because i didn't show up, proving i was unreliable and unromantic, she compared me to her last failed relationship and said “Don’t think I don’t see the tell tale signs already.” That cut me deep, the fact that I was being compared like that. But I realized I had erred, and realized that this relationship was for her and me, and I shouldn’t let other peoples’ advice influence the things that I do. I made sure that from then on, I would let my heart lead the way I lived my life and the actions I took around Vanessa. It has guided me along a frightening and wonderful path, this rollercoaster ride with Vanessa.

And I hope our ride never ends.

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